“Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie, comes to a point where he does not discern any truth, either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others.
Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no love, he gives himself up to passions and coarse pleasures in order to occupy and amuse himself, and in his vices reaches complete bestiality, and it all comes from lying continually to others and himself.
A man who lies to himself is often the first to take offense. It sometimes feels very good to take offense, doesn’t it? And surely, he knows that no one has offended him, and that he himself has invented the offense and told lies just for the beauty of it, that he has exaggerated for the sake of effect, that he has picked up on a word and made a mountain out of a pea.” Dostoevsky.
Like any School, HGS has the desire to create people who are not just clever, but also good. A Force for Good. We don’t help the world much if we turn our students into clever “monsters”. Not much point if you end up blessed with great intelligence, but lacking the moral purpose to do good with what you know. And so, right from when they start in Year 7 we try and impress upon our students the importance of acting with integrity. Being kind. Being respectful. Being honest. HGS CARES.
Teaching students not to lie is actually pretty easy. By the time students become teenagers, it is usually fairly evident that lying just makes things worse. “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive” and all that. We all accept that occasionally people make mistakes. Usually there is a consequence for your transgression and then we all move on. Unless you lie about it. In which cases the sanction gets a whole lot bigger. But by and large, the vast majority of our students don’t lie. At least not to us. But what about to themselves? When a lie is told it becomes harder and harder to maintain the falsehood. It becomes energy sapping and soul destroying – not to mention the constant fear of being found out or slipping up. Cracks appear and get larger and larger until ultimately the whole thing comes crashing down like a building destroyed by an earthquake. Far better to tell the truth.
Why am I telling you all this? Because the same is true for any lies we tell about our lives. Those we try and sell to other people, but also the ones we tell ourselves. I am not suggesting HGS students are all deeply dishonest, but we do live in an increasingly pressured and judgemental world. A world in which it can sometimes be hard to admit that we are not perfect. Especially online.
Anyone who manages a social media profile knows the pressure to present an image of living in perpetual bliss. To curate the impression that you are living your best life, all the time. Always happy, always witty, always confident. Forever posting images or sending messages that give the appearance that nothing ever goes wrong in your world. That may not seem like lying, but actually, it is. And it is also exhausting and anxiety-inducing.
It is the reason I do not like so-called social media “Influencers.” It seems to me that all they influence is the creation of dissatisfaction and a feeling of worthlessness amongst their followers. Yet you know in your heart that their lives simply can’t be that flawless. That they are also covering up the imperfections, pretending they are not there. What a banal life.
I would suggest to you that what was true for the cracks in a building caused by an earthquake is true for the cracks in our lives. When things do not go the way we want. When we mess up, or fail, or do something stupid. Whilst it may seem like a good idea at the time, painting over the cracks is seldom a good solution. Hiding the truth is always demoralising and ultimately, a full-time job.
A lie we tell one day, whether by omission or commission, always needs two more to keep it covered the next. And then more, and then more. Like cracks in a brick wall, they spread outward like a web, ever more complicated and harder to keep track of. Until the only way to keep up is to start believing the lie yourself.
We are teaching our students to be honest at HGS partly because that is what a moral society requires. But partly also because that is actually the easier way to live their life.
Without shame, or guilt, or the constant fear of being found out. Hiding the cracks in your life will always take more effort than simply admitting or fixing the problem.
My preference would be that our students all spent less time curating their lives online and more time just getting out and living them (yes, I know I am old and boring).
But a few words of advice to our children: if you do have to paint a picture of yourself on social media, don’t be afraid to make it an honest one. Because I will tell you a lesson we learn way too late in life. A person with foibles and failings is far more attractive than one who pretends they have none.
Stay well and safe.
Be kind to yourself and others.
Best wishes,
Dr Bird
